monster vs. monster

breaking the silence
August 11, 2009, 6:11 pm
Filed under: thoughts | Tags: ,

rainy window

I’ve spent the past few weeks moving across the country, and it has been a grueling process. I left a lot of love behind in my home state. What I would have given for a manual on how to leave home. I made a few fumbling attempts at farewells, but the weight of my leaving did not really hit me until long after I had seen my friends for the last time, so that in my saddest moments I had no one nearby to comfort me. But, thankfully, my homesickness was sucked into the stress of parents’ houses and parking permits and plane rides, so that after a few days of aggressive bad moods I had exhausted most of my negative emotions. I felt tired but ready to settle, anxious to unpack and get to know my neighborhood and truly embrace living here. 

I arrived on my new side of the country to an apartment I had never seen before, a hot and sticky Rhode Island summer, and silence. Penetrating silence. I found myself wandering without purpose around my humid, half-empty apartment  listening to the quiet. I couldn’t find npr on my radio, and I couldn’t think of any music that wouldn’t make me desperately homesick. I put away books, washed dishes, read the paper, all without any sound save the clanking or rustling of the things I touched. But then something wonderful happened this afternoon. I was sitting on the couch knitting in silence, arguing with myself about whether or not it would be crazy to wear my ipod in my own living room, when the breeze from my open windows picked up and was suddenly cool, and huge heavy drops of rain began to fall. My apartment filled with the thick, soothing sound of rain. I put on an album I accidentally stole from my best friend, and the old familiar songs didn’t sound melancholy against the summer rain. They sounded surreally beautiful, almost cinematic. And so the silence was broken, and I began to feel at home.


2 Comments so far
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I poked around your Ravelry account and stumbled over here — that’s how you know me.

In 2004 I left Cleveland and moved to Hawaii. I feel like you’re going through much of the same stuff right now. Leaving was among the hardest things I ever had to do, and the homesickness still eels in the windows sometimes, but I’d just like to let you know that it gets better pretty quickly. It’s true what they say; if you ain’t where you are, you’re no place. 🙂

Something I do when I get homesick is to grab onto the things that are mine — only mine, you know? Things which define me. David Bowie’s “Young Americans” or Ricki Lee Jones, knitting, drawing, baking Mom’s recipes. Everybody’s got that stuff, things you can return to when you feel lost.

I bet you’ll come to love Rhode Island just like your home state. Heck, it already loves you.

Comment by Lily

You’re so sweet! That’s fantastic advice, and it sheds some light onto why I’ve been knitting like a madwoman for the past two weeks. I’ve finally gotten past my fear of music, but I’ve been careful to only listen to the songs that have carried me through several stages of my life, rather than the ones that I loved right near the end of my time in CA. I’ll get to those, in time.

And it’s too damn hot right now, but as soon as September rolls around, I guarantee there will be baking!

Comment by devon

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