monster vs. monster


dear zachary
February 27, 2011, 12:29 pm
Filed under: thoughts

I think about you at least once every day. I think about you whenever I hear the Beatles. I think about you when I am imagining things and pretending. I think about you when I see little boys and girls with smiles on their faces, or with big perceptive eyes. I think about you when I think about how I could be a better person. I think about you when I cross the street. Most often when I cross the street. I think about you when I am doing something adventurous. I think about you when I learn new things. I’m learning about cameras right now, and I always think about how much you could teach me if you were here. I have a friend who tells me weird science factoids all the time, and that makes me think about you, too. I think about you when I play with my nephew, especially when he asks me questions. I think about you when I hear someone playing the bagpipes, and when I hear “Amazing Grace,” and Kind of Blue. I think about you when I think about being a mother. I think about your momma, and your dad and your best friends and your little brother, and it’s very sad and hard to bear, but that is part of thinking about you. I try to be happy when I think about you but sometimes it’s hard because I’m so sad that you are gone. But the last time I saw you, you were all giggles. Chris and Wes were flipping you around and holding you upside down, and you were laughing and laughing. And that makes me happy.

You have so many friends who love you. I wish we had been better friends, Zachary. I wish we had given each other cool nicknames. I wish we had had more times to play together, because when we did, we had a lot of fun and you laughed and made up games and stories for us. I wish I had finished that dinosaur hat that I was making for you. I think maybe you would have liked it. I wish I had gotten to stay with you more times. The times I babysat you were so much fun. I only got to tuck you in a few times, and twice you were a baby and you wouldn’t remember, but those are some of my most vivid memories. I’m so glad I got to spend the time with you that I did. I feel so lucky for that. You are such a cool little kid, Zach. So funny and so smart and so interesting. I’m so glad to have you so much in my heart.

You’ve been gone for two years today. A lot has changed in those two years, but I never stop missing you and I never stop thinking about you.

Zachary Michael Cruz, 3.12.03 – 2.27.09

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