monster vs. monster

March 5, 2011, 10:06 am
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how to have a week like me:

2.26: start in a bar…

2.27: …go on a walk…

2.28: …(observe convenient snow formations)…

3.1: … have a panic attack…

3.2: …have a beer…

3.3: …receive flowers from afar…

3.4: …end in a converted warehouse




March 5, 2011, 9:49 am
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2.19: white electric

2.20: providence provision (and my veganniversary)

2.21: snickerdoodles for a teeny tiny craft night

2.22: a walk

2.23: a finished project

2.24: a cartoon under my desk

2.25: shoes, show, snow

dear zachary
February 27, 2011, 12:29 pm
Filed under: thoughts

I think about you at least once every day. I think about you whenever I hear the Beatles. I think about you when I am imagining things and pretending. I think about you when I see little boys and girls with smiles on their faces, or with big perceptive eyes. I think about you when I think about how I could be a better person. I think about you when I cross the street. Most often when I cross the street. I think about you when I am doing something adventurous. I think about you when I learn new things. I’m learning about cameras right now, and I always think about how much you could teach me if you were here. I have a friend who tells me weird science factoids all the time, and that makes me think about you, too. I think about you when I play with my nephew, especially when he asks me questions. I think about you when I hear someone playing the bagpipes, and when I hear “Amazing Grace,” and Kind of Blue. I think about you when I think about being a mother. I think about your momma, and your dad and your best friends and your little brother, and it’s very sad and hard to bear, but that is part of thinking about you. I try to be happy when I think about you but sometimes it’s hard because I’m so sad that you are gone. But the last time I saw you, you were all giggles. Chris and Wes were flipping you around and holding you upside down, and you were laughing and laughing. And that makes me happy.

You have so many friends who love you. I wish we had been better friends, Zachary. I wish we had given each other cool nicknames. I wish we had had more times to play together, because when we did, we had a lot of fun and you laughed and made up games and stories for us. I wish I had finished that dinosaur hat that I was making for you. I think maybe you would have liked it. I wish I had gotten to stay with you more times. The times I babysat you were so much fun. I only got to tuck you in a few times, and twice you were a baby and you wouldn’t remember, but those are some of my most vivid memories. I’m so glad I got to spend the time with you that I did. I feel so lucky for that. You are such a cool little kid, Zach. So funny and so smart and so interesting. I’m so glad to have you so much in my heart.

You’ve been gone for two years today. A lot has changed in those two years, but I never stop missing you and I never stop thinking about you.

Zachary Michael Cruz, 3.12.03 – 2.27.09

February 24, 2011, 10:41 am
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Late. These are late. Everything in my life is running late. I lagged on this week because I was not proud of this week. It started and ended with drinking, and in between there was very little. I did have a rewarding experience with KANT, and I know I went to some classes, and I think I saw friends and drank coffee with them, and I occasionally slept. Somewhere in there was a love-based holiday that I spent baking and knitting and watching a movie about white lynching that featured some very good facial expressions. Then there was a day spent in defense of poetry. I also had my first really rewarding teacher-moment on Friday, and I swelled with pride and joy. But several hours later I was…ah, drinking. Well done, me.

On the plus side, KANT and I are getting along swimmingly. Especially because this large-headed aesthetician is an endless supply of my favorite thing, puns. “I KANT finish my thought.” “Don’t be so KANTrary.” “Aren’t we taking this out of KANText?” Endless. Joy.


2.12: Ping pong.

2.13: I uncovered an old friend at this bakery, so I took a picture of nothing. Then, a walk.

2.14: Vanilla-Raspberry cupcakes for Craft Night. And, Napa-love.

2.15: KANT says that “many things may be charming and agreeable to a man; no one cares about that.” Also, quilt-progress.

2.16: Despite appearances, I did leave the house for class and a lunch-meeting and more class and a drink-meeting, but I am finding it hard to document things that don’t seem worth documenting, or situations that would be uncomfortable being documented. Situations have feelings, too, you know.

2.17: By Thursday each week I am beat. Proof.

2.18: Commence, partees.

February 11, 2011, 11:55 pm
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Today has been one of my favorite days-to-mark ever since middle school (which feels like only three or four years ago, but is actually much further away than that! Aging!). In 7th grade, my lanky hypochondriac English teacher made a big deal about a slew of simultaneous birthdays by standing at the front of the classroom and shouting “oooh-eeeee-oooh-eeeee-oooh-eee! Febeleven febeleven!” He also put newspaper on carseats and wore only khaki and would close his eyes and make hand gestures when he spoke to students and was rumored to be covered neck to knee in tattoos. There are certain people in the world who are very specifically different from other people in the world from having experienced him as their middle school English teacher.

This week I said goodbye to a friend, and was sad, and did things in Providence.


2.05: as220 for art, cookies and a really really free market.

2.06: working, walking, wistful, watching hand-holders.

2.07: hungry on my way to class, i see a sandwich. on a snowbank. CONFLICT.

2.08: conjuring mist and deferring farewells

2.09: appropriate question on the way to the memory of decay show at cable car.

2.10: drinking sauvignon blanc and knitting at the table makes me a “sixty-year-old woman.” i’ll take it.

2.11: I believe this is Friday, answering Wednesday.

February 5, 2011, 2:07 pm
Filed under: photo

This week began and ended with dinner parties. In between, I had a lot of alone time, during which I took pictures of myself and did work that is no longer relevant to me. Also, it snowed. Also, I went to the dentist.

1.29: humanities party, miss fine

1.30: white electric, trying to be inattentive to all the beards

1.31: work, war

2.1: running errands, buying groceries (or should i say, snowceries)

2.2: sway is the champion of my office

2.3: my response to having to go to school every day

2.4: andrew refuses cheese

January 31, 2011, 4:52 pm
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this was the first week of school, which brought dining, dancing, librarying, oversleeping, and THE FLU into my life. happy to be back. happy to be hydrated once more. happiest to be overwhelmed with more aesthetic poetics (poetic aesthetics?) than anyone ever bargained for.

1.22: singing and hand puppets and table-sleeping at the i-house

1.23: space plants from space

1.24: dinner out (with sarah face)

1.25: coffee out, 1.26: staying in

1.27: flu flu flu, sad sad sad

1.28: library hoarding